Why So Serious?
Enya Umanzor doesn’t care if you like her. She actually prefers it if you don’t—but when she sits down with IVY WOLK, it’s impossible not to fall for her.
Interview by IVY WOLK
Photos by OLIVIA PARKER
Once upon a timeline, Enya Umanzor was a shitposter on Vine with too many seconds to kill. Those bite-sized clips snowballed into vlogs that gave a candid glimpse into life as an angsty teen in Miami, and, eventually, LA. Now, she’s a household name for the terminally online with the cult-ish podcast, Emergency Intercom. If you know, you know: Her deadpan delivery and zany tangents with co-host Drew Phillips have a rabid fanbase as obsessive as they are emphatic. She’s proof that the Internet’s funniest exports don’t just fade away, they metastasize.
Ivy Wolk: I think the last time I saw you was in the Lower East Side in 2023 when I was with my situationship and his future girlfriend.
Enya Umanzor: Yeah, and I was with my ex, so...
Ivy: A lot of women spend their formative years with a man who runs a streetwear brand.
Enya: I feel like it was necessary because I learned how to use eBay the way he does. So for that, thank you, my king.
Ivy: But you’re never going back to Grailed.
Enya: No, I’ve been scammed on Grailed before, multiple times.
Ivy: What was the first time?
Enya: It was in junior year. I definitely deserved it. I tried to get my friend a Bape zip-up for way cheaper than it was supposed to be, and it just never came.
Ivy: Florida, girl.
Enya: Yeah, real Florida business. I was up to no good.
Ivy: Where are you now?
Enya: I’m in LA, outside of the bookshop-coffee shop Architecture, sitting in my friend’s car ’cause if she doesn’t pick me up, I stay home.
Ivy: You’re agoraphobic?
Enya: No, but I only want to be around people I know. I don’t want to interact with some random bitch. I refuse.
Ivy: Last night I got recognized four times in a row as I was on a mad dash through Manhattan trying to find a place to shit before I had to do stand-up. I was at my wit’s end, and everybody was like, “Can I take a selfie?” I had the look in my eyes of, If you don’t get away from me, I’m going to shit my pants. It’s going to run down my leg.
Enya: And you took all the pictures.
Ivy: Of course, but I always say it like,“Oh okay, sure.” And then they go,“Great,” as if I don’t sound like they’re molesting me.
Enya: The last time we spent proper time together was that night at my apartment when you were singing show tunes for all of us. I feel like I’ve watched you skyrocket across the nation since.
Ivy: I’ve managed to put my fingers in every single pie in the world and just infect every sector. I mean, I do need to elevate to a higher tax bracket as fucking soon as possible, Rocky style.
Enya: I see the kind of funds coming your way that get people questioning your intentions.
Ivy: They’re like, “Wait, so was she funded by Mossad?” And it’s like, “No I make videos on my phone.”
Enya: Honestly, I’ve accepted that I will be my best the more people dislike me.
“I’ve been on the Internet for so long, I’ve already gotten over my fear of, What if people think I’m bad?” — Enya Umanzor
Ivy: Yeah, girl. Look at me. There’s tweets about me right now saying I’m literally Hitler.
Enya: I’ve been on the Internet for so long, I’ve already gotten over my O.C.D.fear of, What if people think I’m bad? thanks to Prozac and weed. I couldn’t give a shit anymore.
Ivy: There’s also less of an opportunity for people to be caught off guard.
Enya: There’s freedom in that. Being a girl, let alone a funny girl, your whole life is navigating not being rude.
Ivy: Yeah, I’m sorry to say, it’s the result of years of childhood trauma, and this is how we deal with it.
Enya: Exactly. I became funny out of survival. We went from growing up in a society where being funny was considered rude, to everyone thinking they’re supposed to be funny.
Ivy: If everybody funny, nobody funny.
Enya: I swear it’s destroying America. Now politicians are popular when they are funny. Like no, guys, we need to back up. The fact that I saw a TikTok of Trump taking a perc posted by an official government account to a Nicki [Minaj] song.
Ivy: Even Elon Musk thinks he’s supposed to be funny. It’s like “ You have more money than God.” You have more power than anybody else. You shouldn’t even know what memes are. It’s so over.
Enya: We’re all losing the plot.
Ivy: Male comedians can be 500 pounds and leak mold out of their ears and still be famous and loved. Whereas if you’re a woman, it’s like, “Wait, not only are you fucking ugly, but you’re also talking.” And if you’re hot, it’s still,“Why are you talking?” My philosophy is, you just have to go for it.
Enya: The best part is, I’ve already won the thing I wanted. I was a poor person who got no attention; now people give a fuck to an extreme.
Ivy: For me, if one person in a room of 100 is laughing, then the entire thing is for them. They’ll bring another, and soon I’ll have 100 people who like me.
Enya: I always think of Cookie Mueller, who not enough people give a fuck about. To me if some random bitch reveres me the way I revere Cookie Mueller, I’m satisfied.
Ivy: I feel the same fucking way. I mean, I have Courtney Love and Amy Winehouse tattooed on my arm. Women who are weird and controversial are my North Stars. I want to be the Zoomer version of that for somebody. And it’s interesting that the women I stan went through the same things that we still experience.
Enya: One hundred percent. It’s nice to know that despite so many people viewing us as evil wenches of fucking morally corrupt nasty girls online, there’s easily 30,000 young women who relate. If they can see me and be like,“Okay she’s pushing it, she’s fine, she’s living,” that’s what I give a fuck about.
Ivy: There’s someone in high school right now being bullied for her weird haircut, who’s on her phone thinking, Wait, there’s girls with weird haircuts who can make money off of it and are smiling and happy? It’s like, “Yeah girl, and we’re here fucking waiting for you.”
Enya: We kind of fucked up demonizing the Manic Pixie Dream Girl ‘cause I’m like “Guys that’s a real woman. We need that.”
Ivy: Those are our Substack bloggers, okay? And we need to protect them.
Enya: Those are the future political commentators of our generation.
Ivy: Literally. Don’t tell her to dye her hair back to brown. Keep it bright pink, sister. Get a mohawk, bitch, fuck it.
Enya: Bring back Demi’s shaved undercut.
Ivy: Literally. Bring. It. Back. Bring back the real freaks.
Enya: Now I finally feel like I can go back to being my freak ass. Lately I’ve been going on such tangents that I’ve been losing people in conversations. To me that is a sign of a woman who’s living her truth.
Ivy: And that’s feminism. That’s what the girls fought for.